Caged Thoughts

In a swarming galaxy of luminescent stars I claimed you as my sun.

 

Despite the fact that you were, 

in every form, 

the same kind as the others,

I claimed you as unique.

 

If I’m honest you weren’t even my sun

perhaps in the beginning

when my whole world was spinning just for you

but in a matter of time you became the galaxy

It was as if you had absorbed every other star 

It was more than just ignoring the others,

It was more than just a choice,

but nevertheless,

you were the only thing in my vision. 

 

I guess you could say it became an obsession

but a healthy one,

I’d like to think. 

 

I’d like to think that you saw me in the same way,

that despite how messed up our situation was 

it was reciprocal 

 

but i was stupid.

 

I was stupid to think that it was only us two in our galaxy

that we were isolated

that your eyes were too only fixated on me

 

I was stupid to think that you neglected the other stars

the ones who shone a little brighter

than i did 

 

I was stupid to think that i was to you,

what you were to me.

 

And now that you’re gone,

my whole galaxy has disappeared

because when i chose to neglect the rest of the stars 

I didn’t know that the only one left

that you

could possibly leave. 

“We always want what we cannot have”

It’s a painful truth that we seek the things we cannot have or that are “too far out of reach”. We long for what should not be ours, whatever the reason may be. Despite denials, we pursue challenges. If something is easily obtainable and doesn’t require much effort we won’t value it. Honestly, we will most likely neglect its existence.

It’s commonly known that if we are told we cannot do something, we will gain even more interest to do it. For something to be forbidden, there is a reason behind it, and we long to either understand that reason or see beneath it. We wish to run after things that other people cannot, so that we can be ‘unique’ or the ‘first’ to do something. That’s another truth. As humans, we long for “first’s”. We desire to be looked at in awe. Whether we were the first to manage an olympic medal or the first to make her fall in love, we take pride in a title that is only ours.

If anyone can have it, what’s the point in being just another person? 

It’s only when we lose something that we know it’s true value.

 

It’s only when that thing

whether it be human or object

living or not

has completely vanished.

 

It’s only when that ‘thing’

has been entirely removed

from our lives

that we get a feel for how life is

or was supposed to be

without it. 

 

Consequently, 

with the lack of its existence,

you may feel yourself returning to old habits

whether good or bad

beneficial or not.

 

Substitution is the most common way

it quickens time

eases you out of your misery

by tricking your mind into thinking that thing never really left.

 

Substituting his lips for a dimming cigarette

or for one that shares his race.

 

Substituting rage in the form of screams

for punches thrown at a hanging sack.

 

Expressing emotion through letters

rather than tears trickling down your face.

 

It’s a form of coping,

of convincing yourself that you are okay

until you actually are.

 

If you repeat ‘bloody mary’ thrice

it’s said that she’ll appear.

If i repeat ‘i’ll be okay’ thrice

will I be?

You know how I won?

I got out of it as the same person that I’ve always been

yet stronger.

I freed myself from a toxic situation

with a clear mindset and my morals in place.

I got out of it and I didn’t automatically project myself onto another person

and pursue another relationship.

“Relationship”

Ask yourself,

is it really a relationship

if you feel the need to post all over social media how that other person had been a perfect replacement,

and document every minute you spend together?

Is it really a relationship

if you’re using it for revenge?

I didn’t feel the need

to mess with your feelings and head

But you did.

Why?

You know you fucked up

and you know you’re living a lie.

You know you’re still searching for pieces of me in her

posting all about how much “better” you are

so you can convince yourself of such.

You’re in denial.

You know what you lost,

and how you can’t get it back.

Maybe she’s got a flawless complexion and a skinnier body

but you know you loved my imperfections.

You know you saw beauty in my scars

you know you’re craving my thighs and the lips you used to trace with your fingers.

Maybe she’s nicer and things are “easier”

but you know you’re aching for my sarcasm

for the forbidden element of what we had.

One day you’ll look back and remember how your profile was filled with pictures of a girl you were so convinced could replace me

but didn’t.

It’s all a show

and honestly who are you trying to fool?

Convincing yourself that it’s genuine,

needing approval from your friends and people hiding behind screens.

Trying to hurt me

doesn’t make you any stronger

or make it any more real.

You’ll remember how

a smile you used to inflict upon me,

the smile you tried to take away from me,

was still there.

That’s when you know you lost,

because I came back from it

with the same goddamn smile

you tried to take away.

Consider this blog as an entrance to my thoughts. An “online journal” some may say. Everything that I write about has a meaning, they are all jumbled up thoughts I feel the need to express and share. This is life and experiences from my perspective, and mine only. Enjoy.